At the time of this blog entry being posted it will be nearly four months since my mum passed away from cancer. That was the reason for my absence from this blog late last year, but this post will not be focused on the loss of my mum more so the aftermath. During these four months, I have had interesting thoughts about grief; some of them are misconceptions where others are what people assume happen when dealing with grief, some are things I did not expect to happen. Therefore, it is about time I address these grievances.
Five stages of grief
I personally do not believe in the five stages of grief, I think when we are face with a loss we deal with the five stages in a completely different way. One thing I did not expect was that some days I would be angry. I would be angry at things that I had no control over. I get annoyed and upset that some people who have done such awful things are still walking this earth untouched by such an terrible thing as cancer. That is a somewhat harsh judgment but that is how I feel when I am angry. In all honesty, I think I have been more angry than upset but I suppose that is just how I deal with my emotions.
You will feel sad for a long time
Some weeks back I came off as incredibly snappy and harsh to my friends, I quickly realised that the reason was because I missed my mum that day. After explaining to my friends the situation, they said they understood and told me it was okay. My emotional state for the past few months has been okay so I never expected to have an ‘off day’ in regards to the whole grief thing, but you can. Either way when you experience an ‘off day’ just let it happen because when you wake up the next morning you will feel better.
Saying I am okay, does not mean I am okay
Sadly, I have told many people that I have been okay during this time in my life and in most of the cases I have been okay. However, in the odd case, I have not been my best self and I said what I said as a way to make life easier for someone else. In all honesty, I should not have said that but I think part of me at the time was hoping the person would realise. They didn’t. I want to make it clear I don’t want to be pestered and badger will calls asking me if I am okay, I just want to someone to double check that I am okay because maybe then I might be able to admit at that time I am not okay.
I miss phone calls with my mum
If there was one thing I underestimated it would be that I miss the phone calls I used to have with my mum. Before, I sometimes got bored when my mum would go on and on about her work but now I cannot have that time with her. I miss calling her and updating her about my progress with university and life in general as we used to talk on the phone a lot. I do not regret the missed phone calls or the times we should have talked this maybe because her death was very sudden and it does not do well to dwell on things. I enjoy phone calls with my family now, it is nice to take time out of your day to talk to someone who is far away or even close by. However, I wouldn’t mind having one last phone call with my mum if that was ever possible.
A sad and personal blog post today but it was something that I felt that I needed to personally address. It would be interesting to hear what other people’s opinions are on grief. As I do feel it is important to talk. Feel free to drop a comment and we can maybe try get a discussion going.